soak it all in

sometimes i just feel a little "artsy." why does this have to be followed up by a clove cigarette and a glass of wine (or some other alcoholic beverage)? then i start pondering things... going over inspirations in my head, getting all insightful, phrases of poetry, bits of philosophy... etc. tonight i snuck outside w/a corona and a cig. i tried to fine tune my senses. listening. is that a bird? nope, more likely a frog. hurry up and get back inside. wow it's so quiet. look at all the stars up there. this street is so noisy. the electric hum in the background. how nice & peaceful when everyone's asleep. flash over to documentary i watched yesterday on portraiture and celebrated photographers. one photographer commented she didn't always catch the moment, but when we she was in the right location, she knew. she knew she was "there" -- at THE moment. then she phrased something that i know i try to capture in my scrapbooking or even in my own photography -- the subtleties. i appreciate the subtleties of the moment, the subtleties of the "daily grind." my life of a mom. the clutter which largely consists of everyone's little deposits of their own daily grind. my older daughter always leaves her shoes in the middle of the floor, closely followed by her socks. my other daughter always leaves her blue plastic folder on the dining room table, the coffee table, ... you just never know where. my son has toys everywhere. everywhere. leggos here and there. a car. a superhero mask. shoes are everywhere. again -- everywhere. oy vey. there's paper. daily newspapers and flyers. bills. mail. coupons. school notes. seems like i'm always re-locating piles of these papers. things i think as i'm cleaning? "wow, this is overwhelming." "sure, i could pick this up myself but would my kids be learning anything." "this is what takes up my day? THIS?!"

once in a while my thoughts flit into this mentality... that one day when my kids are ALL in school, i'll have more time alone when i can get all this stuff done, pursue other interests, take time to take care of myself. a little later, i berate my thinking and try to value the chaos of this moment. i say it's fleeting, but every once in a while i can actually grasp that. that my kids are all this age, all this little, all this emotional and needy just this once and that i should be grateful for it and really soak it all in.